Our Journey

Believe

Growing up I never imagined that there would ever come a day that I would not be able to get pregnant. Not ever. I got pregnant with Cheyanne by accident when I was 17! Fast forward to 2009, 9 years later and I get pregnant by accident again. James and I had just started dating, it was a complete shock. I honestly never even told him. Not because I didn’t want to, I didn’t know how to. We had only been dating a few months, I wanted to wait till my first Dr.s appointment to confirm it before I crashed his party so to speak. He was only 23 at the time! However miscarriage happened before I ever made it to my 6 week appointment. We went our separate ways shortly after, he never new. At the time, I truly believed God knew what was best for us. It hurt, it hurt bad. But I knew he had his reasons, I respected and trusted them. We got back together in 2010, boy were we head over heels in love! There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t see each other. By November of 2010 we had moved in together and were planning to buy our first house in 2011. Went to Colorado in February of 2011, he proposed!!!! I said YES! The next month I find out I’m pregnant again. Surprise Surprise! Made it to our 6 week appointment only to find out there is a gest sac but no yolk sac, I start bleeding that same day. I finally told him about the first miscarriage. We didn’t try after that. We bought our house, got married, and enjoyed each other. Started trying again in 2013, nothing happened. Not a single glimmer of hope. Start of 2014 we went to our first RE appointment and did every test and surgery known to mankind. Nothing that would really explain it. We both have the MTHFR mutations and immediately starting taking meds for it. An entire year goes by again and nothing. Took a break for a couple months and went to see my amazing Dr at Houston Fertility Specialist, Dr. Gruenert. His staff is amazing! We did three IUIs and still nothing and we had GREAT numbers in his SA and follies! Took another break and traveled all summer. Did a couple more IUIs the end of 2015 and still nothing.

We decided it was time for IVF! What has made this so incredibly challenging and heartbreaking is not having an explanation as to why, without that we can’t fix it. This entire process has had it’s challenges in our marriage and has completely made me question God. I shouldn’t, I know that. But when you long for something so deeply and see everyone around you getting it you will question WHY.  Why am I not worthy enough, what makes us so different that we do not deserve a family? I can’t tell you how many  times I have just wanted to throw my hands up and quit. It’s a lot. But then I have so many friends and family members that keep pushing and holding on to faith.

I am holding on to Faith. We will get our chance, we will get to grow our family.

6 thoughts on “Our Journey

  1. This WHY question gets to me too. What did I do that I don’t deserve a baby? I see so many other people who have children and seem to resent it and it makes me so mad. Or they fall pregnant by accident and complain about their symptoms – I am NOT the person you complain to about pregnancy or looking after a newborn. I like to think that there is a reason for all of this but sometimes it’s hard to stay positive. I hope your journey takes a turn for the positive very soon. You sound like the kind of person who would be a lovely mother. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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